When Your Progressive Muscle Disease Progresses

I've been prepared for this. (Yeah, sure I have!)

"Muscle disease is progressive, Ann"
"Uh-huh. Yes, I see."
Not much was registering at that point. I didn't really see at all.
But I repeated the doctor's words to me...to myself, my family and friends...so many times over the past 4 years.

It's one thing to tell yourself and everyone else that you will get weaker, not better. It's an entirely different thing to live it out. I mean, there are people counting on me to make a stunning comeback...and I hate disappointing people.

But I'm pretty sure I won't be rallying anytime soon. (Yes, I believe God still does miracles) These muscles have been on a downward spiral for almost 6 months...no rallies, more paralysis, lots of profound weakness, more time in bed, harder time breathing. I can't tolerate physical therapy like I used to. I'm using my wheel chair whenever possible. I just plain don't want to walk anymore. It's a hassle.

Along with all this has come the realization that this is how it's going to be it for me from now on.
Or worse. (Not to be dramatic!)
Next stops, a power chair...ramps, lifts for my van...beyond that, I don't know.

There are days when that's ok with me and days when I think, 'Ummm, No. This is not for me.'
Today, I had a moment or two of anger, as I struggled to get my stuff in and out of the car. I'm not an angry person.
I'm just not.

The realization has been dawning on me slowly, you see. My normally rose-colored glasses have been a little darker than usual. This may be the thing that annoys me the most. I'm not the same. I am the one who encourages other people. I'm the counselor and helper people rely on.. Not the other way around.

As I began to crumble last night, I looked desperately for strength in the One place I knew I'd find it.

I went to God's Word.
He gives life.

He put my crumbles back together one more time, giving me the peace I needed. I ate it up like the starving woman I was.
I went to bed in peace and calmness of spirit.
This won't be the last time I go to Him for nourishment. He has taught me it's always safe to go to Him. It's always safe to trust Him.
None of us knows the future, but at least I know He's there waiting, in mine.
xx