Two nights ago I dreamt I could run.
It was a brief dream, but I recall thinking, 'I should tell them I'm not really sick after all. Look at me running! They'll be so surprised!'
I'm not sure where this one came from, but it felt good, even if it was a dream.
You see, I've been struggling lately. Physically, of course. That's to be expected. But emotionally as well.
I'm not going out of the house much these days, or staying awake for that matter... and I hate it. This new pattern has worn me down and stolen some of my joie de vivre
...at least for the moment.
Ok, this is where I vent to you... Ready?
I don't care about seeing my doctors anymore--ever.
I won't be submitting to anymore muscle biopsies.
I swear, I'm never going back to physical therapy and
I won't be sticking my arm out for anymore lab draws.
Capiche?
(When I'm agitated I speak Italian and French apparently!)
I'm over it!
See, I have things to do. My brain is working overtime with all the stuff I still want to try and do, but the rest of me just isn't on-board. It's discouraging. It's disheartening. Sometimes I become fearful that I'll never rally again.
I had to give up my work as a volunteer at the hospital in October. I cried. I miss my friends and co-workers there very much.
The City of Boca Raton stupidly disbanded the Mayor's Council on People with Disabilities at the end of the year, but I was having difficulty making it to our board meetings anyway. That board was important, even if I couldn't serve any longer. This city will miss the work we did.
So here's what I've noticed. My calendar for 2016 has suddenly cleared. No more Tuesdays at the hospital. No more board meetings for the Boca City Council. No Physical Therapy. No paddle board lessons. No gym. No swimming. No walks. No 5k runs.
Over time, I've had to let go of all my activities. Things I thought comprised my life, and yet I'm still here. Alive. There must be something else for me.
"What do You want me to do with this life now, Lord? Show me how I can bring glory to You. And can I maybe have some fun? How do I use my gifts and talents?"
I find myself at yet another crossroads.
Now what?
I've asked this question before.
Please pray for me friends. I need it. I have no clue how I'll be spending 2016 but I really don't want it to be in my house, sleeping it away.
Time to reinvent myself again.
I wish you much love, joy and peace in the new year,
Ann xx
