The Christmas Letter, A Parody

Am I the only one who gets ridiculous Christmas letters from the we-have-it-all-together families?

Happy Holidays One and All! 
We have had such a busy year full of fun and travel! Naturally, our children are at the top of their class,  career,  pay grade and their game. In short, they are marvelous human beings without fault or blemish.
We haven't had to bring out the winter coats yet as we live in the sub-tropics because we hate cold weather and will never live in it again.  No, we don't miss the change of seasons and haven't for over 20 years. We refuse to shovel snow or rake leaves. My handyman (a.k.a. Steve) prefers paddle boarding, hanging out with me at the beach, using the pool and watching sports on the weekends. 
As this year comes to a close, I have taken time to reflect on what an eventful year this has been for me! I have taken several trips to some fabulous destinations like the emergency room, the hospital outpatient services center and the neurology department at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine! We have recently achieved VIP status at Boca Raton Regional Hospital, where we have been awarded our very own parking space! Steve usually gets to accompany me to their newly remodeled E.R., but one time my friend, Suzanne, got to come! She told me she had a terrific time! The nurses are very hospitable and my doctor always allows me to stay awhile in one of their 'specially upgraded' rooms. You should see this place. You don't know what you're missing!
Ah, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the 126 physical therapy sessions, 56 mental/spiritual therapy sessions, 16 visits to my neurologists in Miami & Boca, 6 trips to my nephrologist, 4 visits to my cardiologist, 3 appointments with my rheumatologist, 4 consultations with my new gastroenterologist,  2 turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree!  You can see how well-traveled I have become. It takes my breath away thinking of all the excitement! 
As if that weren't enough merriment for one year, there have been numerous bouts of paralysis, weakness, depression, migraines and hyponatremia. Since I'm now a regular at Quest Diagnostics, I am automatically enrolled in their rewards program and am looking forward to earning enough points to get myself something really special.....Maybe a new medical bracelet!
I think my most special memory of 2013, were the numerous tests and procedures I was able to participate in by some highly sophisticated pieces of equipment with some very talented people. These experiences have stayed with me and always will. I enjoyed the MRIs, CT scans, endoscopies, EMGs, NCSs and my personal favorite, the lumbar puncture.  How many people get to have such a variety of unique adventures in one calendar year?!
Now, I am not one to boast, but I'm pretty sure you can see how exceptional my year has been. As I reflect back, I can't help basking in all of these and many more highlights from a memorable 2013.  Can't wait to check in with you next year...
Cheers!

Here's to 2014
xo Ann 
Whew! I'm glad that's over. I'm not a fan of ugly, dripping sarcasm or complaining. It's just that I'm a BIG fan of keeping it real. And I am most grateful for the friends in my inner circle that allow me to do that; to be down and dirty with them. The Christmas letter writers send me what they want me to think about their lives. That's fine. Most folks aren't ready for bare bones transparency. And you know what? I still love them, even if I just shake my head and laugh when I get the annual Christmas letter.