It was the best of times, it was the worst of.....No wait, that's been done. Hmmmmmmm....
I have been a Christian since I was 12 years old. (I won't be telling you how many years that is!) I was at youth camp and I heard this guy talking about Jesus and the reason He came to earth. I hadn't given much thought to faith before, but something miraculous happened inside me and I knew the guy was telling the Truth. I prayed and thanked God for this marvelous gift of forgiveness of sin through Jesus Christ. A flood of tears of joy came pouring out of my 12 year old soul! I felt alive and free!! The camp counselors didn't know what to do with me, but I never looked back! God has been my confidant and dearest Friend my entire life until...
June of 2010, I was trying to come to terms with the 'empty-nest syndrome' after our youngest daughter's wedding. At least she and her husband chose to remain near their families of origin, so I would get to see them regularly. Our other 2 daughters had relocated out of the area and I missed them terribly. We had also suffered some other personal set-backs during the recession. But perhaps my biggest struggle of all was with the neuromuscular disease I was now fighting. The past few years I had become noticeably weak. I stopped running and training. I gave up the activities and sports I loved. Yet to be diagnosed, all I could wonder was, "What kind of monster am I dealing with here?" But my faith was the center of my life and God remained close to me. His magnificent Presence buoyed me up when I needed Him and I marveled at the way He continued to love me. My faith in Him continued to be strong.
One year later, in June 2011, I was diagnosed with Myopathic Hypokalemic Periodic Paralysis. Quite a mouthful, huh? Ok, so now I had an answer to that question. I thanked God for answers. I still had
no idea what that meant, however, so I immersed myself in learning all I could about the disorder that had been wreaking havoc with my life. My body grew weaker. Depression and anxiety began to sink in. And I continued to seek after my God. I looked to Him and trusted Him. But I noticed something was different for the first time ever. God was not actively present in me anymore. I couldn't perceive Him as I had always been able to. When I talked to Him, I seemed to be talking to the ceiling. This was very unusual for me.
My God had become distant. I couldn't feel Him. I was alone...At least I thought I was. And I suffered. Yes, it's not a popular thing to say, but it's true. God allowed me to suffer. Now, I've read the Bible a few times and I knew this was part of the deal. It just had never been part of my deal before! I begged God to come back. I told Him how much I missed our relationship and that I needed to feel Him loving me again. But He remained silent.
I'm just keeping it real with you, as I always try to do. God is not a feeling. He can be felt and emotions are part of Who He is, but I can't rely on emotions to guide my relationship with Him. I'm a woman. I'm feelings-oriented. I want Him to be 100% emotion but He isn't. I had to rely on and remain in His Word and it told me that He'd never leave me, even if it felt like He did.
This brings me face-to-face with my own failure. My shortcomings are many. But I never dreamed I'd do what I ended up doing during that time of suffering. I became angry with God for allowing me to suffer in that state for so long; not the state of muscular disease, the state of Him seeming so far away! I can cope just fine with the physical limitations of weak muscles, but I cannot cope without my God being actively present in my life. I accused Him of leaving me when I needed Him the most. That was wrong. I despaired. He did not leave. And I knew better.
The greatest news of all, is, of course, that God has forgiven my doubts and weaknesses. I told Him how sorry I was and He has restored my relationship with Him because of what Jesus did on the cross. I've learned so much from what I am going through. I could probably write volumes, but something I want to share with you is that because God never left me, neither did the fruit of His Holy Spirit. So often, during this time, I could tap into His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control that is only available through an intimate relationship with Him. I learned that if He allows suffering, He will bring a stronger relationship with Him and in that, not strong muscles, I have all the strength I need. xx
Revelation 22: He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
