That Padlock Might Be Telling You Something

Missing this?
Read on.

                                               

Recently I was discussing marriage with one of my best girlfriends when the subject of sexual intimacy came up. Our conversation grew a little timid since we aren't that used to going 'there.' But finally we got over our shyness and she blurted out, "There's a reason I keep it padlocked!" We both busted up laughing!!

She went on to explain that when they argue, her husband could say some pretty venomous stuff to her. Apparently nothing was off limits, including personal attacks, which cut into her deeply. Whoa!! Out-of-bounds. Illegal formation. Foul ball. Red card. Off-sides. Double-fault AND Face-plant with yard sale.......You are now DQ'd.

(I can hear the sharp click of that padlock being closed even now, ladies) We went on to talk about partners who use sex as a weapon against each other, you know, as punishment for bad behavior. It sounds terrible as an intentional practice, (and it IS a terrible idea) but what if it's simply the natural outcome of things because of lousy treatment by the other partner?! Logic would suggest that if a person, and I'm suggesting it's a woman this time, is treated with disrespect by her man, then her sexual desire for him will be....ZERO. Yes, zero!

So, what do I mean by disrespect? Any behavior that is degrading or belittles her or is unwanted by her is disrespectful....name-calling, sexual abuse, bullying, hitting, kicking, slapping, yelling, shoving and abandonment are obvious examples. But what about oppression? What about demanding to be 'right' all the time, with the underlying message that she is stupid? That's abusive. How about the silent treatment? That's oppressive. It's an attempt to control and manipulate her into doing whatever it is, YOUR way. See what I'm getting at here?

Now, I'm not sure there's a whole lot that can 'undo' this type of damage if it goes on for very long, so you might want to rein it in if you're guilty of this nonsense. And the next time you're wondering why your wife (and I'm using females because this is how we're wired) is padlocked-up, ask yourself how you've been treating her when you aren't in the bedroom! Because that is where sexual intimacy begins dear man, that is where it begins.
xx

Breakfast With Jane

We started with coffee and bagels with a shmear.
The usual chit-chat followed, but somehow it got around to this...

"Your husband must be a saint."

I stared straight at her and swallowed. "You mean for staying married to me."

I wasn't asking a question. I knew what she meant. She was stating what she believed to be the obvious.

"I mean not every man could... You know what I mean, not all guys could..."

And then silence.

Yes, I knew.

This was too much. A serious lump formed in my throat, but I smiled anyway. I thought I couldn't stop the tears, but I did.

Yes, I know. She had just confronted and confirmed my deepest insecurities. She interrupted my thoughts and my fears; the ones I had been turning over and over in my mind. Admittedly, I think too much. I feared I had become less of a partner to my husband and more of a burden to him...Not so much of a friend and lover, but a burden and a patient for him to take care of. Even though I knew how hard I was trying not to be.

Your husband must be a saint.
                                                     A saint.....Really?

For better, for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part...
I knew her words would resonate with me a long time. You know how I know that? We had breakfast
over a year ago, and here I am telling you about it today. Sometimes I think if people would just listen to themselves through my ears before they say things, they would stop.

Jane is fairly stoic. She's not one to talk a lot about my battle with Periodic Paralysis, but on this crisp, sunny January morning in South Florida, she was asking me a few questions about it. So I obliged. I didn't elaborate. I knew her tolerance was limited, so I painted a few scenarios for her with limited brushstrokes. In retrospect, to her, it must've seemed like I spilled the paint and wallowed in it, unable to pull myself up; leaving hubby to clean up the mess the best he could. My attempt at painting had left a pretty messy impression on my friend.

Suddenly, I didn't feel like talking about the recent cool front or parenting or shopping anymore. So I sipped my coffee and waited for her to say something else. I didn't care what she thought about life from my husband's perspective.  I had mulled that one over enough myself. I wanted her to understand what life is like for me now. Pretty selfish, right? But she didn't ask. I love Jane. I always will. She's my friend and I hope she always will be. But that breakfast conversation provided a watershed moment for me...it was then that I realized it doesn't matter what Jane, or you or anyone else thinks about my husband or me, or our life together now. It is a lot different than it used to be, but it's not terrible, and there isn't a saint between us.
xx

P.S. Jane is still my dear friend. I have not used her real name and I would never hurt her feelings. I also know she'd never knowingly hurt mine. She doesn't know about this blog and she isn't on social media.

That Padlock Might Be Telling You Something

                                             Missing this?  Read on:

Recently I was discussing marriage with one of my best girlfriends when the subject of sexual intimacy came up. Our conversation grew a little timid since we aren't that used to going 'there.' But finally we got over our shyness and she blurted out, "There's a reason I keep it padlocked!" We both busted up laughing!!

She went on to explain that when they argue, her husband could say some pretty venomous stuff to her. Apparently nothing was off limits, including personal attacks, which cut into her deeply. Whoa!! Out-of-bounds. Illegal formation. Foul ball. Red card. Off-sides. Double-fault AND Face-plant with yard sale.......You are now DQ'd.

(I can hear the sharp click of that padlock being closed even now, ladies) We went on to talk about partners who use sex as a weapon against each other, you know, as punishment for bad behavior. It sounds terrible as an intentional practice, (and it IS a terrible idea) but what if it's simply the natural outcome of things because of lousy treatment by the other partner?! Logic would suggest that if a person, and I'm suggesting it's a woman this time, is treated with disrespect by her man, then her sexual desire for him will be....ZERO. Yes, zero!

So, what do I mean by disrespect? Any behavior that is degrading or belittles her or is unwanted by her is disrespectful....name-calling, sexual abuse, bullying, hitting, kicking, slapping, yelling, shoving and abandonment are obvious examples. But what about oppression? What about demanding to be 'right' all the time, with the underlying message that she is stupid? That's abusive. How about the silent treatment? That's oppression too. It's an attempt to control and manipulate her into doing whatever it is, YOUR way. See what I'm getting at here?

Now, I'm not sure there's a whole lot that can 'undo' this type of damage if it goes on for very long, so you might want to rein it in if you're guilty of this nonsense. And the next time you're wondering why your wife (and I'm using females because this is how we're wired) is padlocked-up, ask yourself how you've been treating her when you aren't in the bedroom! Because that is where sexual intimacy begins dear man, that is where it begins.
xx