Tiny diamonds danced on top of the turquoise waters of the Atlantic stretched out in front of me. The hushed whisper of the breeze lifted my hair away from my shoulders and set it back down again...
'What are you gonna do girlfriend?' I asked myself. This question had become my mantra.
But I still didn't have a clue. I had lost my ability to work at a time when I was really excited about using my gifts and talents. Expressing myself, helping others and earning money was important to me, and I was all done... at least in the capacity I was used to.
Looking back, I wasn't supposed to have a clue. I was in uncharted waters. It frustrated me to say the least.
"You're a smart woman," I told myself. "You should be able to figure this out."
A lot of people are forced to reinvent themselves...and for lots of different reasons.
Sure, I thought my situation was unique because of the 'rare disease' factor, but once you boil it down.. take that away... and what you really have is a person having to chose a new career path!
Not exactly earthshaking.
People do it everyday! Some have been fired, layed-off or excessed. Whatever you call it, they're out of work. Some are bored to death with their current jobs and want more from life. So, they make changes.
'I can make this change. I will figure this out...'
'I know! I'll go back to school!'
I loved this idea!! So I headed off to enroll in classes at Palm Beach State, located in my back yard.
Only problem is, they didn't want me. That's because I wanted an RN degree, to use in a corporate setting, but they don't give those to people who use special equipment. (Is that covered in the ADA?) Yes, I was discriminated against, but that's another blog post!
I cried as I left that 'counselor's' office that day...I was deflated to say the least.
Next, I thought of trying to continue training my fitness clients online, but I've grown so accustomed to doing it in person that I've developed it into an art-form. It loses a lot over the Internet. There are
people that I train this way, even though it's not my favorite.
So I kept thinking...'How do I translate my education and previous work experience into something new?'
In addition to personal training, I'm also a Master Level accredited consultant with CLINIQUE...a gig I absolutely loved! But that takes a lot of strength and energy too...so that was out. It was a very sad day when had to resign from the Estée Lauder Corporation.
Now, I've always kept a journal, but I never thought of that as "writing."
...and I never journaled more than during the years around my diagnosis. I was seeing a professional counselor then.
He asked me to begin journaling, as part of my therapy. I told him I was already doing that. When he asked me if I'd be willing to share some of my journal entries with him, my eyes flung wide open!
"I've never allowed anyone to read my journal entries."
"Well, just think it over. It'll help me have better insight into your everyday struggles and emotions."
So I thought
And at our next appointment, I gave him my phone, containing the journal. I chose which entries he could see.
"I love this! You can write! I want to keep reading!" He was smiling down at my phone. (I sort of
believed him because he's also a college professor!) LOL!
My jaw dropped. "You do?" He nodded and encouraged me to start an online blog.
'A what?' I recall thinking. 'Me?' I also thought he was rushing things and that he didn't really know me yet.
Again, he asked me to just think about it.
So I did... for weeks, then months.
Turned out my family also thought I could write. They encouraged me. I was skeptical. (You know how it is when you think people are lying to you just to make you feel better?!)
So, I stubbornly kept looking for other ways to reinvent myself.
Writing has always been so personal for me. Did I really want to put myself out there now? I was extremely vulnerable. And private. I had always been such a private person!
Dear God...I don't know about this...
Going public with my illness, my faith and my struggles was not exactly an idea I relished. And so I did what I always do when I'm not sure about something.
I prayed.
'Who do you want me to be? What am I supposed to do now, God?'
I did not know the first thing about blogging. 'Wasn't everything hard enough without embarrassing myself? Could I write on a schedule?' I stressed. And most often, I despaired. I didn't want to do something new. I was still missing my former life.
But God answered... Eventually.
I've had other 'but God' moments and none was more surprising than this one!
On this occasion, He merely impressed upon me that I needed to share with you, all that I had been going through, as honestly as I could.
Keep it real or don't bother.
"Yes, LORD, I can do that." So, He did want me to write!
(Now we're getting somewhere!)
I could see His point. I mean no one wants to read a watered-down, phony story about suffering with loss, grief, depression, major illness and thoughts of 'I'd be better off dead.' (How do you water that down anyway?)
I hate phonies and I was pretty sure sure other people did too.
Being brutally honest with you is easy, then, because I simply share my journal the way God has impressed me to do it. (Besides, it's the only way I know how to write) Do you know how freeing it is not to have to consider what anyone will think about my writing? Or what will come of it?
God gave me that gift of freedom.
A few months later, as I continued praying, He gave me this,
Tell them the truth about Me
Yes, LORD.
I always will.
He has prepared me for this very thing. I see it clearly now. What I couldn't fathom on the boardwalk bench that day is remarkably clear to me now...
My current illness, my former health...my lifelong walk with Him...my intense pain and
struggles but also the
incredible joys...
and my journal, of all things! are the building blocks.....
all part of this moment. The present~Me, the writer.
You can even tell by the fragmented sentences, the ....s and the way I write as if I'm speaking to you, that my articles were born of my journal entries! That's because I considered most of them as letters to God or to my children. They're personal. They're informal. And they're always written to someone.
I'm grateful that this blog has become popular, and for the MDA for picking me up as a regular contributor. I'm thankful, too, for the sites that ask me to guest blog...Not because I desire popularity, but because at the heart of this is the hope that somewhere, somehow, I am speaking to someone who needs to hear what I have to say. And that they will nod their heads in agreement and say, "She is speaking to me." Or, "She is speaking for me." And that person will be strengthened. That's the reason I publicized my journal. That is why I write.
That place at the beach is my place. I do my best thinking and praying there. I hope you have a place like that.
And I'm wondering.
If you find yourself at a crossroads right now and you need to reinvent yourself, is it possible that the answer lies in something you're already doing? Is there something you love doing that seems ordinary? Maybe it's so plainly in front of you, you just haven't seen it yet!
Pray.
Try to be patient.
Look at your life.
Believe the people around you when they say you have a talent for something!
I always want the best for you!
Peace my friends xx
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